Widgett Walls’s “Wayhomer Review #165: Gravity 3D” Is Too Indulgent
By Eugenius Antonius, Senior Critic
The most noteworthy aspect of Widgett Walls’s “Wayhomer Review #165: Gravity 3D” is it’s 14 minute runtime. Since it takes 2-3 minutes to read the average movie review, less for fast readers, needcoffee.com must really be banking on some long attention spans. With that kind of commitment required up front, one would hope that the content of the review would justify the sacrifice. In this case, it absolutely does not.
Walls begins the review by noting that he just finished using the restroom. At the very least it’s a nice jumping off point for those who can see the writing on the wall. If you aren’t interested in 14 minutes of a very personal experience, you can’t say you weren’t warned.
Walls deals with the elephant in the car by acknowledging that his review of Gravity is late to the party. It’s a cryptic clue into the mind of the reviewer. He explains the film was released during his “lost weekend.” Rather than leave it at that, Walls spends way too long further justifying why it has taken him so long to see the film, namely that he was not excited to see it because of what he felt was a horrible trailer.
As a sentence, that would be fine, as a four minute tangent, it is excruciating.
Walls invents a new term to describe the type of film he imagined Gravity would be: the arty-solo-snuff film. With his trademark false starts, Walls takes a long time trying to flesh out the contours of this new genre. There is very little payoff to all of this as Walls eventually admits (after what feels like an eternity) that after actually seeing Gravity it totally isn’t what he thought it was going to be. This is certainly Walls at his most indulgent.
Walls rambles a lot, and it isn’t that his points are bad, it’s that they are being formulated in real-time in front of the camera. Walls changes direction mid-thought too often to count. George Clooney is like Bill Murray, you know? Well, actually make that Sean Connery. The movie’s score is like a song that is like a roller coaster, you get me?
To make matters worse, it’s also very dark in Walls car. The YouTube video might as well be audio file for all the benefit of seeing a bearded man drive a darkened vehicle.
One of the only redeeming features about this piece is that Walls ends on a very self-aware note. He points out that he is one of only five people on the planet to have not seen Gravity before that night. Acknowledging that he is basically just talking to himself is a brave note to end the review on. If only he had been that self-aware the whole time.