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Dennis Schwartz’s Fan Just Fainted; “Ambitions” Doesn’t Suck

In response to Dennis Schwartz’s 487‑word review of Out of the Furnace on Ozus' World Movie Reviews

By ,

Could that be the four horsemen of the apocalypse coming over the horizon? Is that a naked Miley Cyrus opening the seventh seal with her tongue?

Ah, nope. False alarm. It’s just a review from Dennis Schwartz that miraculously doesn’t suck like a dead star. For possibly the first time in the sad history of mankind, Schwartz has produced a work that could almost be called a film critique, an event that some thought would be the first harbinger of the end times.

Before you go consulting your Mayan calendar, though, don’t worry. “Lacks the gravitas to carry off its greater ambitions” still ain’t good.

It’s just that Schwartz has somehow managed to string together a few sentences that actually make sense to homo sapiens who speak the English language.

Schwartz even makes some relevant critique (*craps pants): “Its talented cast couldn’t have given better performances for a pic that glumly turns out way too predictable and jejune” (somebody got a thesaurus).

Does he accomplish any of this consistently throughout the entire piece? Not a chance. Is the website still making people burn their computers? Yes, by the droves. But have patience, people, Rome wasn’t built in a day either.    

Quality of Writing Quality of Argument Spoiler Avoidance Presentation